joyfilled productions

I was talking with a friend today, and I realized as parents, it is so hard when our child’s feeling are deeply hurt.  We just want to make our child feel better and sometimes we are tempted to minimize what they are experiencing wanting them to see it as more minor too – hoping that will take the pain away.    And at times this or a quick fix can work well.  But a big part of our role is to support them in solving things for themselves and there are some wonderful techniques for that.

And before we start solving issues, we need to help soothe them as we anyone is really upset, their brain is in fight or flight, so they are not in the best problem solving mode.  So if it isn’t an easy fix, it is best to empathize with the child.  This isn’t easy because sometimes it may seem foolish to be upset about something that seems small to us, or even perhaps more challenging is when we can remember the pain of being excluded, whispered about, or feeling betrayed by a friend and it actually feels worse when we see it happening to our precious child.  We may just want to try and make it better fast.

What helps me in taking the time to empathize is the image of an unconditionally loving grandma in a rocking chair, who is holding a child in her arms really listening and understanding.  These warm arms without speaking are saying, it’s all going to be alright, and i understand your pain, you are loved.  I think if we feel understood, we feel a little less alone in the world when we are troubled.

So by not minimizing or trying to fix everything, and instead of discussing the thoughts and words, taking the time to resonant with our child’s underlying feeling.  Sometimes I’ve found that is all my daughter needs is to be understood (words like “I’d feel so hurt if that happened to me, I can remember that kind of thing happening and it was awful….” can help).  The warmth between us is much higher when she feels understood, and then sometimes the whole thing is forgotten, or sometimes when she is through the emotional period, we can work on solving the issue.

The image of this grandma helps ground me and slow me down.  My first reaction is wanting it to be different for my child and when I sit in a loving accepting place, I feel more able to be of a comfort to my child.   My hope is that she will continue to feel she can share her disappointments as well as her successes with me.  And when I slow down and feel, I can recognize what is happening for her and decifer if it is fear, disappointment, anger or hurt or all of them.    We all have these feelings so we can empathize.  I know when I feel held and understood, I am more able to face the world and deal with it.    And I notice when I can provide that for her, it helps build her resilience.  In fact, sometimes I envy her resilience and how well she can bounce back into life and I learn from her.  The gift of many children is that they teach us how to let go and see each day as a new one, and a little understanding and love goes a long way.

I realized I tell her many wonderful stories about when she was younger as she loves to hear them and I enjoy sharing them with her. Sometimes I say, oh, I miss that age. It felt like everything sped up once she got more independent in grade 1, and I find myself wanting to slow down time as I cherishing these years of closeness. There is a bittersweet edge I feel as she is getting older. And I wondered if my attitude was in the highest service to her, possibly not.

So I just decided to start talking about how much I am loving seeing her grow up, what changes I have noticed in the last year and how much I have enjoyed witnessing them. I share how her brain significantly develops around the age of 9 and more analytical/complex thinking is possible and how I love the conversations she is now able to have with me. I share the activities I enjoy with her and how much I am looking forward to the upcoming years we’ll go through together – how exciting our future as a family is.

Interesting, with this very small change, she has completely stopped saying she doesn’t want to get older. In fact, she talks more eagerly about getting older. I feel elated, partly because I realize that errors I make parenting can often easily be remedied.

So much about parenting for me is being willing to look deep inside as the answers are not always obvious. I can’t always see it alone or with my husband because we are both in it, but I have been able to create the emotional space where my best friend feels like she can share her uncomfortable observations with me. I feel so blessed I have a friend willing to do that for me as it is easier to say nothing.

I like to figure out how I can reframe something for my daughter and how so easily shifts can happen. And now I see her happily enjoying the process of getting older as she celebrates her birthday. How simple and how beautiful.