15 Jan 2010

The Family Bed

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I was at a friends last night for dinner and I was struck by directly how her children looked us right in the eye when we were conversing. Those children seemed secure in themselves and were ready to smile or laugh during the conversation. There are many factors that help children feel secure and I believe one of them is how safe they feel.
During my conversation with their mom, I found out that she also cuddles them to sleep and allows them sleep in the same room (bunk beds) even though they have their own rooms. I often will cuddle my daughter to sleep or sit in the next room as she is drifting off. And if she wakes up scared, she is held by her dad or I as she goes back to sleep in her bed or our bed.
And I know as she gets older, she will want her own space more often while she is sleeping or if she is feeling fearful, she may want to learn techniques like EFT to empower herself. And while she still wants her mom and dad close, it is a joy to feel her soft sweet face next to mine. Sometimes as she is drifting off to sleep I hear this ‘I love you so much Mommy.’ I can’t pretend that it is always easy getting back to sleep after being woken up, but my joy at knowing my daughter is bundled up with love compensates for the shorter sleep nights.
I believe there is a knowing deep inside us that guides us as people and as parents. This isn’t the knee jerk reaction we have, this is the more innate knowing we can access when we are calm. And for me, that has guided so much of how I raise my child. Often I find doing the research on child development helpful as information can help guide me to wise decisions. But over time research results can swing, so listening to what is greatest service to my child is where I try and focus.
I was one of those children who was very scared alone in my bed at night imagining monsters under my bed or hiding in my closet, and that experience definitely did not make stronger or more secure. So I am a fan of filling kids up with love, especially at night when it is dark. We’ve got all day to teach boundaries and help our children stretch and take risks. Night time is for nurturing, for recharging and healing our bodies, and our sleep is more peaceful if we are feeling safe and loved.
It still surprises me how people come back from some of the world’s “poorer” countries talking about how happy the children are. And, an interesting correlation is that the whole family sleeps in the same room together.

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11 Jan 2010

My Child as my Buddha

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On a good day, our values are what drives our behaviour. So as parents, grandparent and people who love the children in our lives, how do we teach the values that are the foundations for healthy relationships and fulfilling lives? And as someone who loves teaching values, I wanted to do some more investigating on what parents are noticing impacts their children the most.

One of the people I interviewed was Vancouver’s excellent family therapists and mother of two boys, Michele Hucul-Kamolis. She said “I try to focus less on teaching values, and more on embodying them.”

She noticed that within each family the values become the energy set in the family system. She is referring to how we interact, how we play and get things done together. Michelle says the old adage is true ‘Children are very aware of inconsistencies and really do take more from what we do than what we say. ‘So the biggest part of teaching values is to look at how we are living.

We can start by looking at what values are important to us, and how our children may be experiencing them in our home. For us having a loving environment is an important value so there is lots of cuddling, backscratching, and expressions of love. Mutual respect is expected so if anyone feels like they are not being treated well, we talk about it in private and do our best to work it out. We experience imagination and fun by creating lots of free time for dress up, dancing, building fairy house and when we are washing dishes we sometimes wear soapy santa beards. Fun is an area I can build on as a way to get my daughter engaged more easily in household chores and keep me more present.

Of course it is completely unrealistic to even hope to perfectly live our values so you’ll see some gaping holes. Michele outlined how vital it is to talk through the times when you are not living your values. It helps a child make sense of the inconsistency and it brings the value to more conscious awareness. And perhaps most importantly, it gives your child all kinds of space to be imperfect as they see it even happens to the adults they adore.

I had a rather embarrassing example of this. One day when I was holding up another vehicle while parallel parking, my 7 year old daughter said, “That was nice of that man not to honk at you.” The inference was very clear, she remembers times when I’ve honked with impatience. Rather than breathing and being centred while driving, I have gotten lazy and just honked impatiently sometimes when there hasn’t really be a need to.

These humbling, vulnerable moments, I’m realizing now, are some of the juiciest parts of my life with my daughter. Sometimes I smile as I notice the glee in her eye at seeing mom’s imperfections. At other times I am deeply moved by her empathy for me and the grace and wisdom in her observations.

And you don’t have to use current examples of mistakes, children love your family stories particularly those that involved mistakes and mischief, which can easily be turned into memorable values lessons.

The value of sharing my mistakes became clear as one evening, when my daughter was so upset and wouldn’t talk about why. Later, she pulled me aside and said, I know you’ll understand this mom because remember when you were a kid you felt this too. I cherish this as possibly as most basic value – wanting our child to feel safe enough to share her fears, her anger, her excitement, and her imaginary world so we can be beside her as she finds her way.

Sometimes I’ve had challenges taking the time to reflect or care for myself as well as might be beneficial. Or be as gentle on myself when I see my shadow and I would with my cherished child as she finds her way – I too am also every day finding my way and need to remember that. I call my daughter my Buddha, as my profound love for her demands that I look at myself, not just how I parent but how I live.

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6 Jan 2010

Special Birthdays

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Our daughter Faith turned 9 today. She awoke so excited and asked to open one of her gifts. Then at breakfast, I sat looking in her beautiful brown eyes and said, 9 years ago today you were born. You came out of my body and were our miracle. We had no idea how much love and joy you’d bring into our lives…and my voice was cracking. She had so many tears running down her face too. I am reminded how much more important those moments of connection are than the gifts that come and go.

We are busy organizing her birthday for Sunday afternoon. Faith has always found that the time we spend organizing the party, writing up the invitations, planning the activities, talking about how to make each child feel welcome has been as much fun as the party.
And it is a wonderful time to embed such important values including what makes each child feel welcome, how to thank each child for coming and thanking each one for their gift, how to create an atmosphere that is inclusive and happy. All values that help children learn how to create successful friendships – and good friendships would likely be chosen as what brings the most joy to a person’s life. And for me, it is such fun having this time working on something that brings such joy to my child.

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